Dear Friends of the Life Raft,

It is my honor to present the tenth edition of the semi-monthly Friends of Life (raft) Newsletter. I hope your homing seagull was able to locate you in time for me to wish you a most Happy Halloween this year. That is, for those of you that even remember what Halloween was. I wish you the most sincerest of luck on finding materials for your costumes with what little you may have. If you have received two copies of this edition, it is because we have received numerous complaints from some folks that their homing seagulls have been devoured mid-air due to the migration of several hybrid-orca pods across Colorado, and we want to make sure our newsletter gets to every one of our subscribers! Our apologies for the inconvenience, if any. We suggest using the extra paper as an emergency backup roll for you Lavatory Raft Units. Or, maybe, your Halloween costumes! Of course, you have probably noticed that the world is getting colder, what now with Fall here and all. That isn’t, however, and excuse to get lazy and let yourself go. At the time I write this, it has now been 2,986 days since our world was accidentally flooded by the amateur evil villain simply known as “EvilKid55755.” Like I mentioned before in the previous newsletter, processes to reverse the flooding are already underway, and eventually “Project Drain-Hole” will return our planet to the beautiful status it once was. What a shame that would be if the first day you were finally allowed to once again walk on land you simply couldn’t because of all the weight you have put on during the cold months, snacking away at the weekly Nourishment Tubes we send out. That is why I have included seven helpful tips to help you stay fit during the days you’d rather stay in your aqua-sleeping bag. It is important to follow these, being fit is key to survival out on the open water!

1. Swimming Exercises. You may think this seems obvious, but did you know that the average flood refugee only steps off their Raft Housing Unit (R.H.U.) once or twice a year? Get out there and swim around! It’s good to know how to swim in a world like ours, and if you’re worried about catching a cold, here’s a little known tip for you: We designed your complimentary aqua-sleeping bags to double as a protective wetsuit.

2. Paddling. Your R.H.U.’s motors need a break every so often! Do yourself a favor and work on your abdominal muscles as you row. Don’t have any paddles? Don’t worry! Your R.H.U. is actually light enough that it can travel via the power of your paddling hands! Paddling exercises also make for great family bonding time, if you have any family left.

3. Jumping Jacks. An old favorite. Try them out! I like to play a game, where I try to see how many jumping jacks I can possibly do between waves crashing against my own R.H.U.. It can actually get really fun once you get good at it!

4. Friendly Quarreling. This tip is only for those of you that aren’t going alone. As we all know, our H2O Purifier Units can only give us about 25oz of purified water each day. With this limited amount of water, it’s only natural that rationing is in order. But why not make a game out of it? Fight one another for the last drop of the day! You’ll both certainly be catching your breath afterwords.

5. Go Fishing. With most of the aquatic life now affected by the flooded radiation plants, the majority of all our planet’s sea life now seems to posses super powerful strength, as well as glowing and multiple heads and other substantial changes. Your R.H.U. should be equipped with at least one fishing rod. It’s going to require some strong arms to reel those monsters in!

6. Waving For Help. You probably already do this on a daily basis anyway. Give yourself a pat on the back!

7. Keep Your R.H.U. Afloat. Ever once in awhile, your R.H.U. may malfunction, and begin to sink. Don’t worry though, if you’re fast enough it’s always possible to save your seaborne home, and what a workout that will be!!

Okay refugees, that’s all for this newsletter. Remember to send your homing seagull back with your confirmation slip to let us know that you have read and received this edition, otherwise we’ll assume that you’ve either starved to death or have fallen prey to the mutant sealife.

Best Wishes,

Barbara Lloyd

(Formerly Sister Sinister)

Founder of the Friends of Life (raft) Flood Relief Organization