Many are already familiar with the tales of Dangerous Dan. A reporter turned lone survivalist, his frequent articles have been found strewn across the zombie wastes over an alarmingly large geographical area. All of his writings remain disarmingly cohesive despite some of the strange and savage places they have been found. One dripping sheet of re-purposed toilet paper was found lodged inside the stomach of a massive froghemoth. Another was discovered at the top of Mt. Gulguthratep to the sadness of the Golgothian explorer who believed he was the first to summit the peak. But here is an excerpt from one of Dangerous Dan's final articles this one found at the deepest point in a massive crater. The Ancient Ones only know what he was doing down there. As Ever Praise be to Lord Gulguthratep.
Many people have asked me how I keep so fit. "Dan" they say "Why would you steal our meager food supply as well as our daughter with your roguish good looks." They usually say this either before, after or at the exact time I punch them with my amazingly toned fist. But I have no illusions about my looks, good reader. The puddles of fetid irradiated water I pass on my morning scavenge can only tell me so much. My undead deflecting washboard abs only tell part of the story. The real story is how I got to this pinnacle of physical perfection. And I have here compiled in this very article how you too can become a body builder of the zombie wastes. In seven easy steps you can go from Golgothian couch grub to full fledged ghoul punching glory.
Step 1: Punch Things. And I mean a lot of things. Constantly. Without stopping. If there isn't a living thing around punch a tree. If the trees have been charred to piles of cinders punch the ground. If the ground in your immediate vicinity is composed mostly or entirely of lava why not wind back and punch yourself. This will not only keep your fists and upper arm muscles toned and strong they will also help to expel any fat by the simple natural process of punching it.
Step 2: Eat Right. When I'm not punching things I'm typically running (see step 3) or eating. Its always important to make sure that whatever you're putting in your mouth is edible and won't poison you. But what they don't teach you in "baby survivor school" is that some food that is edible and won't poison you is actually bad for you. Take twinkies for instance, although they're one of the few foods that survived the rise of the ancient ones they're terrible for you. Twinkies can actually make you fat. And while that may sound like a good thing for the long winter it'll never burn off of your thighs.
Step 3: Provoke Monsters. Now this may sound like a stupid thing to do but I've found that during my daily regime of constant punching if I stumble across a zombie herd or a mutant mountain lion punching it or them not only counts toward my punching quota but also sets them chasing me which means a great opportunity to run which in turn means a great way to stay fit. And even if they do catch you, who doesn't love more punching?
Step 4: Climb Things. This seems fairly self explanatory to me. Try to climb and punch everything you run into. It'll keep you healthy and fast and what's better than saying you were the first one to ever climb to the top of Dangerous Dan Mountain.
(Editors Note: There are actually five Dangerous Dan Mountains that have yet to be summited by Golgothian mountaineers.)
Step 5: Drink Lots of Liquids. Except the irradiated mud. It will kill you. I had a man servant for a while and believe you me it will kill you.
Step 6: Do Sit Ups. I've always found this is a great alternative to sleeping. If a shadow cats is lurking right outside the ring of your camp fire just waiting for you to shut your eyes and drift off do some sit ups. Look that sucker straight in the eye and start doing sit ups. Not only will it keep your abs as hard as diamond it will also intimidate the shit out of anything attempting to eat you.
Step 7: Go where no man has gone before. Breathing air untainted by the lungs of other weaker men has been scientifically proven to make you stronger. That is why I personally attempt to go anywhere in the world where no one lives and breathe up as much air as possible and if I can't breathe all the air up I take it in canisters so I can use it later.
Step 8: Carrying canisters of compressed air across vast expanses of wasteland. This one is fairly self explanatory.
I hope with these seven or eight steps you, yes you, can become that wild tamer of the wastes that I have honed myself into. And if I ever punch you in the face or try and steal the air from your lungs it means you're on the right track.
-Dangerous Dan
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